Between a Rock and a Hard Place
by tomboy-girl21
Summary: Uchiha," Ino repeated slowly, a grin spreading on her face. A disturbed Neji could only assume she was in her happy place, a weird fantasy cult world of Uchiha.
1. The Conception

Disclaimer: I wish.

Third story, third update, I'm on a roll! This, my friends, is crack, but because it's me, there's some angst thrown in as a side. After a year of forcing my muse to inspire me, it decided to toss some healthy crack at me. Who was I to refuse? _Enjoy_ the crack my friends, because drama and angst star in my other two fics.

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**The Conception**

If there was one thing all men universally hated, it was crying women.

It was the one thing in the universe that could simultaneously make them hesitant, fearful, panicky and guilty. Now to the experienced eye, some males were cool-headed enough to know when tears are real and when they were as fake as a gold digger's smile. Having grown up in the privileged aristocratic world of gossip and backstabbing, Neji was especially immune to crying. Once, a girl had scraped her knee and he offered a hand up. His thanks? He gained his very first stalker. He was seven.

Ever since then, he learned how to distinguish between the females he encountered. It was painstaking work and he spent most of his adolescence being guilt tripped by rejected females. Now at fourteen, Neji was a seasoned man. He knew when a girl was faking.

And to his horror, the ringing sobs in his ears were genuine.

He should... go help? As in get involved?

Pfft.

What sane male would purposely involve himself with a sobbing female? Besides, what if the weeper was a crack addict having a meltdown, or even worse, a fangirl? He was pretty sure none of his fans hung in the courtyard exclusive to the burnout crowd, but he did have a few gothic fans. What if they took his gesture the wrong way? Was it worth the risk?

Heh. For some girl he didn't even know? He'd bow down to Uchiha before he took that risk.

But for some reason, he had the vague inkling that Hinata would look at him with disappointment in her wide, uncorrupted eyes if she ever found out. At least check on her, his conscience wheedled. Restraining a sigh, he resigned himself to check on her. It's not like he was actually going to talk to her or anything he assured himself.

He didn't have to walk far, the muffled sobs lead him to an old oak tree and pressed against it's trunk, was the weeper.

To his relief, she dressed normally without any drastic changes, so she wasn't an apparent loony. He was surprised to see that her sobs were actually wracking her body, her folded arms and loose hair covered most of her face, but she seemed familiar. Hmm, blonde and somewhat, he scanned her form again, petite...

He recoiled.

To his upmost horror, he had stumbled across a crying Ino.

He didn't know her personally; she was a year younger than him and ran with the vulture group. She was a cheerleader, not to mention a devoted fan of his rival, Uchiha Sasuke. Mostly he ignored anyone who wasn't directly involved with his goals or... well that was basically it. He didn't really know that much about her, except that she liked to glomp Uchiha and scream at some girl with hair like Pepto-Bismol.

Well that and she was a bitch.

It was a common fact, the grass was green, the sky was blue, Jiriaya-sama would one day die of herpes, his uncle would die with a frown, he was an asshole and Yamanaka Ino was a bitch. Simple truth.

But to be honest she didn't look like a bitch now.

Truthfully, she looked rather pathetic.

Because of her loudness he never really noticed how small she was, but she seemed... frail. Her body was wound together tightly, as if she was afraid someone would hit her, she was rocking back and forth on the grass staining her clothes. Her school shirt was mussed and her sobs, though loud, were still muffled.

His brain pointed out once more that Yamanaka Ino was _really _crying.

And his conscience, pointless thing it was, squirmed.

Neji gave valid reasons as to not interfere with her sobbing. One, she was a bitch. The worst kind, the _fangirl_ kind. She was loud, obnoxious, she threw tantrums so loud the second floor of the school heard and she had horrible taste in men. What sane female could like Uchiha? It was obvious that he was gay or at least metro sexual. Best case scenario is that he was simply asexual. What straight man would waste that much money on gel to get a hair style that looked like a chicken's ass?

Plus Uchiha was an effeminate asshole.

Secondly, she was proud. Hyuuga noticed (unwilling) on several occasions that although she did the usual fawning and obsessing over Sasuke, she never hid her bitchy side from him. When she threw down with a rival she made sure to make sure everybody noticed. Even Neji noticed, though this was mainly due to the fact that her altercations blocked the hallways. She didn't bend for anyone it seemed.

She had pride and she wouldn't want anyone to see her cry. Why else would the maniacal, little cheerleader be crying in the court yard that was reserved for the intellectual burn outs and pot heads?

She wouldn't appreciate his sudden appearance.

But, his brain insisted those were real tears.

The kind of body wracking tears Hinata used to have when his aunt died. Automatically without his conscious consent, his body carried him over to his rival's number one fangirl.

"Hey."

Perhaps it was a bit... unplanned, but he hadn't expected Ino to lift her head and bolt. Luckily she'd been in that position for a while and her cramped legs made her stumble. In three long strides Neji had a firm grip on her arm. He knew he was out of his element, but he really didn't expect the punch she aimed towards his face. Surprised and a little impressed, (it was a well thrown jab) he dodged and tightened his grip.

"Let me go!" Her raw tone surprised him, it held none of the confidence or banshee quality it usually did. It was torn, something tugged at him but he ignored it and instead focused on slipping passed her attempted knee to the groin.

"If it was any other guy, I'm sure you'd have gotten away," he told her as she again tried to elbow near his ribcage. He sighed in exasperation, this was exactly why he was an asshole. Being nice was never appreciated. She continued to squirm, bringing down her fist onto his arm. He winced. "Look I'm trying to be decent here!"

"Well it doesn't suit you! Now let go!" For a girl who had been in tears, she was surprising strong.

Stung at her brush off at his willing act of (attempted) kindness he decided to skip the niceties. "Look if you can convincingly tell me your fine then that will satisfy my bothersome conscience and I'll let you go."

"I'm fine."

"I don't believe you."

"Urghh!"

Then to his utter horror she began to cry again. This time his conscience definitely kicked up a fuss. _He _had made her cry this time. He was at a complete loss as to how to comfort a girl he had made cry. His fangirls didn't count, the spawns of Hitler could not shed honest tears. What made him feel worse was that he didn't think she even noticed that she was crying.

"Fine! You want to help me so bad?! Can you magically make a ride appear out of nowhere during the middle of a weekday? HUH?" She glared at him, blue eyes narrowed and hair flying. He let her arm go, but she didn't seem to notice, she stood there, glaring wildly through her tears.

Actually...

Making a split second decision he knew he was going to regret, Neji did something extremely unlike himself. Against every rule in decorum and all the common sense he had, he hoisted Yamanaka Ino and threw her on his back.

"WHAT THE HELL-"

He winced, Kama-sama she was loud. Even the burnouts were turning their heads in interest. He ignored the continued pounding on his back and determinedly made his way to the school's parking lot.

* * *

"Hyuuga-san?!" Tasaburo dropped his driver's hat in shock as he saw his young master manhandle a screeching girl and place her next to his precious car. The vehicle of his dreams and most importantly, of his payroll.

The young master rolled his eyes and smoothed his clothes. "You said you need a ride right? Tasaburo is my driver."

The shrieking girl paused and turned to look at him. He was surprised to see the girl in tears and he wondered privately what his young master had gotten himself into. They were in the eye of the storm now. The young master straightened his rumpled clothes while the young girl pondered.

Then much more quietly she asked, "You know the west side of town well?"

For the most part, Tasaburo was pleased to see that both adolescents were much calmer. Tasaburo was well beyond his initial shock at their unexpected guest and instead focused on the directions. He was a little surprised to hear that she lived in a thoroughly middle class part of town, Sakamoto academy was expensive and it was a very demanding school.

Half an eye on the road he cast a quick glance at the back. The girl was staring out the window and the young master looked particularly unconcerned. He wondered if this girl was well, maybe Neji's girlfriend? Maybe her continuing silent tears were the result of a lovers spat? Then again he doubted it. Neji was a stoic child, that was true to a fault, but he had a feeling that when Neji received his first dose of young love it would be very apparent.

When they were less than 5 minutes away from their destination Tasaburo decided it was safe to inquire, he hoped she could tell it was out of concern; he had a daughter her age. "Miss, if I may ask the reason for your... distraught state?"

She didn't reply and he fell into a tactful silence. It wasn't until they had stopped in front of a white two story house that she answered as she stepped out of the car.

"My dad died."

Tasaburo couldn't read the strange look that crossed the young master's eyes.

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_x0x_

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A Neji and Ino friendship, god I feel sorry for him. I enjoy reviews, hearing what other people have to say is always a blast. And as long as a flame has reason, it's a critque.


	2. Tradition

Disclaimer: I would kill Orochimaru to own Naruto. Then again I'm sure everyone would. It's short, but I'm pleased with it overall. Enjoy the continuation of crack.

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**TRADITION**

The only thing that had higher priority for thirteen year old Neji than academics and breathing was his twelve year old cousin.

Hell, he was in the origami club with Hinata just so he could watch over her better. He had protested against Hiashi's paranoia for his eldest daughter, but eventually gave in. It could've been worse he admitted to himself, Hinata enjoyed pressing flowers as well.

It was a long time since the feudal era, but a mantra in all side branch members was drilled into their head. _The main house was your life; you didn't have your own _was basically the point to be made_. _Pathetic it was, but along with martial arts training, repetition made it stick. Severe punishment also had an effect on his discipline.

But even if they didn't pound it into him he knew (even if he didn't admit it) that he would still be protective of Hinata anyways. She just, urghh, brought out that protective urge.

Because of their difference in ages homeroom was one of the only classes he shared with his cousin and their teacher had a tendency to sleep for long intervals and let the class run semi-wild.

Because of this Neji tended to be a _tad_ more watchful of his younger cousin in this period. Every Wednesday at 8:05 Hinata would slip into class as quietly as possible and seat herself next to her cousin and read a book or doodle quietly, sometimes even talk if she was feeling particularly open that day. But she was always there, seated next to him. So when it was 8:07 and still no Hinata, he allowed himself to worry only slightly and shoot an occasional, discreet glance at the doorway.

The increased giggle factor did not do anything to improve his mood. It could only mean one thing. Uchiha was near. Dealing with his own fans was bad enough, but Uchiha's were a whole nother story. Homeroom also happened to be the one class that could tax his patience. Whoever set the class roster had to be high, you did not put an unsupervised Hyuuga and an Uchiha in a class together if you were sane. That was asking for a repeat of the Trojan War, destruction, betrayal and ruins included.

Scowling, he grew more agitated as he heard Sasuke's low "Ah". Neji instinctively relaxed at the sight of his cousin's blue-black hair peaking from behind Uchiha and co.

But just as she attempted to slip by unnoticed she stumbled into Sasuke and knocked their books to the ground. Immediately Neji recognized the classic signs of a Hinata breakdown and groaned, the ever so loyal glares of Sasuke's fangirls were not helping her panic attack. Hinata dropped to the floor immediately, grasping at her books, blushing and stuttering, and she started to stammer out an apology.

Fast enough to make Lee burst into tears of pride, Neji put himself between his shy cousin and the hostile crowd. He pulled her up before she could pick up Sasuke's books as well and straightened to glare at Sasuke. The fangirls flinched back at his steely gaze, but Sasuke was as solidly arrogant as ever.

"Don't apologize Hinata," he interrupted coolly. "You wouldn't have bumped into Uchiha if his massive head hadn't been blocking the doorway."

Hinata shrank back nervously; her eyes flitted from her cousin to her cocky classmate. "Give apologies when apologies are due," Sasuke replied breezily, he didn't even look at Neji. His dark eyes bore into Hinata. "Continue Hyuuga."

Hinata stumbled back even further behind her cousin. "Don't apologize Hinata." Neji continued to stand between her and Uchiha and his loyal vultures. "It's common courtesy to only apologize when something actually worth apologizing for takes place."

"It's common courtesy _senpai _to apologize for something that was your fault_,_" Sasuke corrected in mock politeness. "Continue your apology Hinata." Neji's eyes narrowed at the casual use of his cousin's name.

"Do not continue cousin."

"Continue."

"Do not continue Hinata."

"Continue _Hinata_."

"Do not apologize Hinata," Neji ordered.

Hinata voice started in a whisper, "Ni-san, I don't mind apolo-"

"Do not apologize Hinata," Neji repeated coolly. He pulled her to his side. "There is nothing here worth apologizing over." His ear drums beat uncomfortably at the indignant shrieks of Uchiha's puppy love pack from Hell. He pulled Hinata to their seats.

"You're going to let your cousin tell you what to do," Sasuke challenged, stepping forward to block their way. Neji's red flags flew up and his body unintentionally tensed. Sasuke grasped Hinata's arm firmly. Three hundred years of branch house protecting main house had Sasuke solidly lifted and thrown into a wall. Neji stood in a protective stance in front of Hinata.

Overall there was a rather mixed reaction.

The girls for the most part were divided equally, Neji's admirers and Sasuke's. The boys however favored Neji, though he was cold, he wasn't outwardly arrogant like Sasuke was. Sasuke was a violently proud peacock that poked your eyes out and Neji was more like a hibernating bear, non-confrontational unless provoked.

Hinata gasped and their teacher took that moment to wake up from his nap.

And Neji? Though he savored the sight of a thoroughly dishelved and bruised Uchiha, he expressed his displeasure.

"Well fuck."

* * *

Kakashi had somehow roped him into a tutoring program in exchange for not putting it on his record. Although Neji had patience and was no doubt intelligent he wasn't a people person _per say_. But the lure of a perfect record was too much.

He silently waited for the after school rush to die down and calmly maneuvered his way through the halls. A couple of his senpais' gave a nod and he replied in kind before checking to make sure none of _Kakashi's_ fangirls were sticking around. They were like rabid hamsters, they just multiplied.

He opened the door to see Kakashi giving him the usual lazy once over. "Hyuuga-san, I'd like you to meet your kohai," he drawled out. Then, to Neji's annoyance, he giggled from behind his book and turned a page.

Neji restrained the urge to roll his eyes and turned to look at his sort of student. He could barely contain his surprise when two horrifying familiar blue eyes blinked at him. Since her expression mirrored his and Kakashi was too busying feeding his addiction to written perversion to notice anything in particular, he allowed himself to express himself freely once more.

"Crap."

"Ditto senpai, _ditto._"

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Thanks to DarkSmile (for both of your reviews), Coco-Minu, …….., sad little monkey, Doctor Kiba, tu amiga loca (thanks for your two reviews), Sasina, Yuehswind, and InoxSasukeSOS (your other reviews are appreciated too) for your feedback. And to all who read I hope you enjoyed it.


	3. Family

Disclaimer: Sadly, Neji's more likely to cut his magnificent hair than for me to own Naruto.

**A.N. **Even though from the beginning this story was meant to be a light hearted crack fic, I must say that I out did myself with this chapter. And I hope you enjoy it my crack-loving friends. Oh yeah, there's some colorful language by the way.

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**Family**

They stared at each other, unblinking.

Finally Ino broke off and threw herself against the chair. "Why out of all the people in this school did it have to be you?" She complained, then slumped against her chair in resignation.

Neji bristled.

Aside from his daily skirmishes with Uchiha no one was stupid or reckless enough to pick a fight with him. Maybe this girl was both, though maybe she was more of the former since she was here.

"I'm sure Kakashi had his reasons," Neji countered coolly, though inwardly he was wondering the same thing. Tutoring was for someone who liked ... people.

"Right because you're _such _a people person," Ino drawled sarcastically.

Neji was beginning to lose his patience.

Partially because here he was, offering her help _again _damn it (was it divine intervention from Kami to be more social?) and she was throwing it back in his face. _Again. _Though admittedly the other reason he was irritated was because she echoed what he was thinking. Being on the same page with this bipolar failing loony was not something Neji wanted.

"And that bubbly aura of your's just _radiates _helpfulness," Ino continued, oblivious to his silent frustration. Neji finally snarled back at her.

"Blame yourself for this, the only reason your stuck with me," he reminded her harshly, "Is because you're the one who's _failing_. I wouldn't be that picky about help. Beggars can't be choosers."

"I'm not failing," she snapped, almost leaping from her chair in all the indignation a scorned woman could possess. "We can't all be academic whores like you Hyuuga."

Briefly he mused on that insult, it was an... interesting reprieve from "bastard" and "asshole."

Let it never be said he did not appreciate originality.

"What's that?" Neji feigned deafness and pretended to recall. "The last thing I heard was "I'm not failing." Huh, I wonder why you're here then. I guess our school counselor must have mistaken you for _another_ shrewish girl who's named after a boar."

"I'm not failing you mongrel son of a sucker!" Ino raised her balled fists and Neji had an unwilling flashback to their last meeting. Warily he watched for any attempts to his groin and he raised an eyebrow at her protests.

"_Me think the lady doth protest much_.' In case you don't know, that's Shakespeare."

"I know Shakespeare you pole sodomized bastard!"

Hmm. Maybe she was a sailor in her past life?

"I wouldn't have guessed since your because your, you know, _failing_." Nothing like the simple fall back of repeatedly throwing something back in someone face during a verbal argument. "Of course I'm sure there's plenty of other reasons why people would be assigned a tutor besides _failing_."

"Ugh!" Ino glared at him before falling into her chair. "What the hell are you doing here? Lose a bet?"

His pride stung, Neji murmured to himself more than her. "More like win a fight."

"You got into a fight," Ino remarked incredulously and then laughed to herself. Neji scowled in irritation, but at least she wasn't descending on him with the fury of a woman scorned anymore.

"Who'd you fight with?" Ino asked with interest after her giggles died down.

"Uchiha." To his immense disgust, Ino perked up at his metro sexual rival's name.

"Uchiha," Ino repeated slowly, a grin spreading on her face. Neji frowned at her. If anything Ino sounded almost ... perversely intrigued. She was unnerving the hell out of him too, her eyes had glazed over and she was smiling to herself like a kid on Christmas morning, eager and enticed.

"Aren't you a fangirl?" Neji questioned, squashing his automatic regret. God knows he didn't want her started squealing (it was bound to be far more annoying than her rage), but Neji could handle fangirls. Ino was something alien. Unknown territory.

"Shouldn't you be hissing?"

"Nah," Ino shrugged and shook herself out of her dream world. "I'm more mad I wasn't there. Who'd want to miss out on two hot guys fighting?"

"A guy," Neji pointed out, mildly amused at her boldness (or weirdness.)

"Not if he's gay," Ino objected. Then added wickedly, "Not all of your fans are girls you know."

Pause. "Thank you for that unnecessary scarring information."

"Your welcome," Ino chirped, her good mood restored. A disturbed Neji could only assume she was in her happy place, a weird fantasy cult world of Uchiha.

* * *

"Are you sure we won't be seen? " Neji hissed in an undertone as she dragged him down a new and creepy hallway.

How was it this girl kept getting him to do things he didn't want to?

Kakashi had left them to "get familiar and bond" or in Ino's crude words, "go jerk off." They argued, fought for a while. It was pretty much a repeat of their first encounter, minus the tears, which Neji was glad for. Then less than 5 suspicious minutes later Kakashi came back, kicked them out and Ino had pulled him in an abandoned corridor to avoid being seen by Kakashi's fangirls.

Apparently, according to Ino, girls had this strange system. What one fangirl knows, all fangirls came to know. From the specialist fangirls, who were loyal to one, or the jack-of-all fangirls who played the field. What next, taint the boarding school with spyware?

"Relax," Ino answered breezily. "I've skipped out on curfew dozens of times using this hallway to get away from my room and I've _never_ gotten caught. You're more likely to get haunted by a dead janitor or something," She tugged him down several doorways.

"That's reassuring," he remarked dryly.

Ino huffed quietly, jerking him harder than before. "Relax Hyuuga, we won't caught," Ino whispered confidently.

"Then why, pray tell, are we whispering?" Neji muttered back.

Ino stopped suddenly and shrugged. "Because it adds to the intrigue," Ino mused before pulling him by the wrist. She turned back to him when he refused to move. "Look, almost none of your fangirls would be caught dead here," she pointed out. "They don't have the balls."

"I should hope not."

Ino grinned that wicked grin again. "Of course not, those are you fan_boys_."

* * *

"Ta-Dah!" Ino gave a slight twirl. "Welcome to Ino-sama's Tau Ma Hall!"

He snorted. This place was anything, but Taj Mahal. The trashed and abandoned tourist shop maybe.

The floor was littered with papers and clothes (no undergarments thankfully), her walls were covered with posters of foreign city skylines and bands he'd never even heard of. Who was Mana? Neji wondered. A floor length mirror was face down. Her small desk was piled with lip gloss, magazines and to his surprise, books. She even had a small book case that was organized from girly shoujo manga to Aristotle. That was the only thing that wasn't in disorganized anarchy. Her bed was unmade, with the purple sheets dragging to the floor. And her colorful pillows were on the floor by her lab top which showed a picture of a happy looking bunny saying in a speech bubble "**When life gives you lemons, squirt juice in your enemy's eyes.**"

"I see your name precedes you," Neji observed mockingly.

"What are you my maid?" Ino snorted then flopped onto her bed and stared at Neji until he reluctantly sat down. She rummaged around in her book bag before giving up and spilling the contents to the floor. She gave an 'Aha! There you are you sneaky bastard' and snatched up her math book, pens and a notebook from the floor.

She plopped back down and smiled brightly. "Let's learn," Ino said enthusiastically. Like she hadn't cussed him out like a sailor, for just _being there_ less than an hour ago.

"Are you bipolar?" Neji asked finally. "Or high?" He added.

"Nope," Ino said cheerfully, "I'm naturally this way."

Was that a good thing or bad thing, he wondered?

* * *

"To find out the length of a side when dealing with a scalene triangle that only tells you one measured side you simply follow-"

"INO-CHAN!" A boy's loud voice rang through the door.

Startled Neji stopped and looked over at Ino. She shook her head frantically and mouthed 'Don't say anything.' Neji's body still tensed, alert and ready for a fight. Ino seemed more exasperated at the banging of her door than anything else.

"Don't pretend you're not there Ino! I HEAR you _breathing_!"

How the hell could mystery boy know that Neji wondered. The door, he noticed with a bodyguard's trained eye, was three inches thick and well fitted to the door frame. Ino didn't seem surprised at all, instead she mouthed 'Ignore him.'

"Don't ignore me!" Then mystery boy gasped. "INO, IS THERE A BOY IN THERE?!"

What the freak?!

"ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING PERVERTED?!"

Ino smacked her forehead and muttered something crass under her breath.

"OH MY JEBUS, YOU'RE CUSSING ME OUT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! OH KAMI, CLEANSE INO-CHAN!"

Ino yanked open the door and a blond haired boy stumbled in. She grabbed his ear and managed to get out a "OWW! INO-" before she smacked him on the head. Then, Ino paused and smacked him again.

"What was THAT for?" mystery boy yelped.

"Shut up," Ino snapped then turned to a still stunned Neji.

"Hyuuga, meet my extraordinarily moronic foster brother." The pinned boy managed a wave from his position. "Uzumaki Naruto."

**_

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_**

x0x

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**A.N. **Gods this was pure crack to write. Buddha, Jesus, Kami, all know I needed it after reading _Breaking Dawn_. I'm still purging my mind from that book.

Anyways I hope you enjoyed it and thanks Strife3, Never-chan, WolfFlowerz, and thatdamnhorizon for putting me on your story alert list.

Special thanks to Coco-Minu (nice new chapter in Honey by the way), TheLextacyBlossom (glad you liked the crack), Ame No Megami (I'm looking forward to the next chapter of Urban Decay), Sakimono (You should check out Wanting and Crash for some more Neji/Ino goodness), Clay Mason (Neji just did karma a favor) deathrosekitty (Sasuke sure is an ass), sad little monkey (destiny seems to love fudging with Neji in any universe it seems, even in mine) DarkSmile (who indeed? Though after this chapter I think it's safe to say Neji's the one who's screwed) and finally to ... (you are one loyal reviewer). I really appreciated all of your feedback.

Review!


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